Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
