And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
