I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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