Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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