This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
