She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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