The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
