That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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