I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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