I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
