Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
