i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm having to shit out rocks
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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