Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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