I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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