i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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