Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
