We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
