Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
