Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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