dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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