Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
