he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
