awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
