If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
this hospital has no fireball
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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