Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
This baby is an asshole
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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