Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
