whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
