Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
