before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
