4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
