Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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