I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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