I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
