Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
