what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
