Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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