not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
