Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
