Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
