so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She bit a glass in half.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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