Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
