It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
