Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
