So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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