I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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