Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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