We're like a lot better than the average bears
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
