He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
