You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
