Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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