Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
