Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
