shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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