She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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