his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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