I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
