3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
