Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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