I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
