I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
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Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
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